he is a cousin of my long-time friend.
we've known each other's existence in HS, school year '00-'01
his cousin went to US.
Then, we started being friends.
gradually, we become closer each day.
Slowly I care about him, and embraced that feeling without him knowing.
I fell in love with my best bud.
unknown by me, he was posting blogs on Christian sites, asking for advices on his current situation..
on june 8th, he spilled everything. he sent me a copy of his posts.
but there was one post that reveals it all. and from that entry this blog starts...
My Love Story May 28, '08 11:59 AM
I told her today. I walked her to the office one last time and she was crying. For once, I do not know what to say.
I was a mess. Trying so hard to handle loneliness and depression. Fooling myself and busying myself with hobbies and short term courses. I was empty. I go to drinking sessions with my friends and try to relive my HS memories. It was fun at first and then it kinda went old. I did one new hobby/course after the other to focus my eyes on something other than my own emptiness. Then I saw this book. It changed my life. I prayed to God for someone who can get me out of this mess. I took my friends to church thinking I could grow with them but I was unsuccessful. I was getting depressed.
It was summer last year when I first met her. She was browsing my friendster and reading my blogs. She gave me advices about my "unappealing" blogs. She was interested in a book I was reading. Then we met in Shangri-la Mandaluyong. She was skinny and stuff. I knew I will never fall for her. She was never my type. She's short, has dark skin, she talks too much, she doesnt know how to take care of herself; while I fancy girls who are tall, has fair complexion, silent but knows how to deliver a meaningful intelligent conversation. She was the exact opposite. How the hell did I fall for her?
I was doing a lot of athletic stuff that time. I was doing jogging, taekwondo, weight lifting. I was so in to physical fitness. I asked her if she wanted to go jogging with me and she replied with a yes and a comment that it was one of her dreams. I learned alot about her while we were jogging. We'd talk and walk for hours and hours and we'd always forget what time it was. I removed all my walls and barriers and soon she became my friend. We'd talk together about our beliefs and how we look at life. She found me different, but in a positive way. We wrote our dreams together and one by one crossed it out off our notebooks. We did a lot of adventures together and it was the best damn thing that had ever happened to me.
I invited her to my church. And in time, she became a regular attendee. I also attended her church because I wanted to see the Catholic's points of view about certain topics. I learned a lot about her and I was so thankful to God that He made our path crossed.
Soon something grew in me and it went louder and louder. As we continue our adventures I was starting to take care of her. I never knew what it was until I was too late. She fell for someone else. I tried my best to kill this emotion but in the process I only hurt her. I knew I needed to lay low for a while and I did. I made school an excuse to not see her. But then she spilled the migration info that told me I had little time to spend with her. So what the heck, lets go enjoy the last remaining days that I'm with her. We hang out a lot and I ended up taking her to work, doing her schedules, worrying for her, giving her chocolates and I knew where it was going.
I knew it was only a matter of time till I spill it. I only wish I could have kept this for 3 more months but the more I keep it inside my gut the more I feel guilty for her Boyfriend. I never really hated the guy and I didnt want to play the sneaky opportunistic bastard in this love story.
Last Sunday I couldnt sleep. That morning I took council from one of the elders in our church and these words were retained in my head: "You need to know ur place; You need to know where you stand." The flicker of hope that It was possible for us to be together died that day and I needed a few more days to prepare myself for it. Thus this day came. After our bible seminar together I spilled. I'm the kind of person that always has a plan and is always sure of the outcome. And now I dont know what the heck Im doing. It was the longest walk ever.
The last picture in my head registered this:
We were standing in a dark roadside, lit by one lightpost a block away from her office, and my feet were all tired and she was crying. I felt relief and freedom from the bondage and burden of what I felt. I felt sorry for complicating the wonderful friendship and making her feel sad. But this was necessary, I told myself. This is for our own good. Next thing I know Im on a jeepney homebound and I was thanking God that it went well.
And here I am, an hour later. My name is Theodore Angelo Lesano, and this is my love story.
